The ETL Presidential Debate

When you are a thought leader with a vibrant, powerful brand, it is your responsibility to think for the people who do not have brands. So when I saw the latest Republican presidential debate, my disappointment was tangible: no one was asking the hard questions! How can I tell people who to vote for, if the candidates won’t address the issues? To remedy this, I quickly formed my own debate, securing every major candidate from both parties. Here is a transcript of what went down:

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ETL: Thank you all for being here. Let’s get to it.

RON DESANTIS: You know, before we get started, I’d just like to—

ETL: No.

MIKE PENCE: [leans into mic] Freedom

ETL: First topic. Recently, evangelical figures Russell Moore and Karen Swallow Prior have come under fire for offering measured criticism of the book Pilgrim’s Progress. Should Christians be allowed to not like things?

PRES. BIDEN: Lemme tell ya about this thing, pal. We got pilgrims coming into this country and they’ve got belt buckles on their hats. They stole this country, man. Took it from the Muslims.

FMR. PRES. TRUMP: Pilgrims NOT NICE. Many people are saying they look like penguins. Build a wall to keep the penguin people out.

TIM SCOTT: [laughing] All right. Okay.

ROBERT F. KENNEDY, JR: You know, I was just talking to Joe Rogan about this: penguins didn’t get vaccinated! Is anyone else noticing this?

PRES. BIDEN: Mr. Popper. Got all the penguins in his house. Keeping them in his bathtub and refrigerator. Somebody’s got to…stop that guy…because….huh?

ETL: Moving on. What is your favorite Tooth & Nail band?

CHRIS CHRISTIE: Obstinate and Pliable¹

ETL: You made that up, didn’t you?

CHRIS CHRISTIE: Yes. Yes I did.

NIKKI HALEY: My favorite toothy nail artist is Twila Paris

VIVEK RAMASWAMY: Well guys as you know I’ve been known to drop a few bars myself. Allow me to respond in the words of one of my personal heroes, Christian hip hop legend Carman:

[takes mic off stand, trots around stage rapping]

We're stepping on the scene what do y'all know
We're goin' back two thousand years ago
The disciples were on the set
Yo the posse was there in full effect
Jesus said, the day will arrive
When the Son of Man will be crucified
But on the third I'll be alive, you'll see
And be back to full capacity

MIKE PENCE: Well, I think the mistake that most people make is looking at the careers of Ronnie and Jason Martin and assuming that they peaked with Brothers Martin. Simply incorrect. The Brothers Martin was a culmination of both Joy Electric and Starflyer 59, but to say it was markedly better than either brother’s prior band is to equate their very different sounds. All three bands had unique, distinct identities, and while there was definitely overlap in the Venn Diagram, to say that all roads led to Brothers Martin is the kind of liberal anti-Tooth & Nail bias that I would expect in a John DiBiase review on Jesus Freak Hideout

ETL: Moving on to our next topic. Who killed Mars Hill?

RON DESANTIS: I did

ROBERT F. KENNEDY, JR: All you have to do is look at the evidence. It was Fauci

PRES. BIDEN: My fellow Americans, I regret to inform you that Ellen Musk has crashed one of her electric cars into Mars. Mars is dead

TIM SCOTT: [chuckles] I’m from South Carolina

FMR PRES. TRUMP: Fauci is a penguin person. VERY SCARY

VIVEK RAMASWAMY: [still performing]

Stand tall, stand tall, stand strong, stand strong
Say it loud, sat it loud, say it along
Bust the Devil, up in pieces
Get alive with God
Addicted To Jesus

NIKKI HALEY: Let me be very clear: Twila Paris is not a penguin person

RON DESANTIS: I have banned Pilgrims from Florida. [looks at camera] That’s what I call PROGRESS

TIM SCOTT: You know, back to the Tooth & Nail question, the amount of Danielson Family erasure on this stage is troubling

MIKE PENCE: [leans into mic] Freedom

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of Doug Burgum.

1. thanks to Jason Kirk for this joke, you can read more of his words at https://substack.com/@jasonkirk