The Worst Christians of 2024

Bill Maher

Folks, did you know that Bill Maher doesn’t even believe in certain parts of the Bible? The Bible is one of the most important books for Christians to read, easily in the top five. And if you don’t believe that it is true (biblical inheritancy), then you aren’t much better than an agnostic—or worse, a Methodist.

J.D. Vance

Everyone knows that Vance is a Christian; he is Lutheran or Anglican or one of those with the popes. However, he is not a solid Christian like Donald Trump or Jordan Peterson. Vance wears eyeliner on TV, and eyeliner is not for boys; it is for girls, and also boys who are in Skillet. The theology is clear.

Sydney Sweeney

Did you know that Sweeney has acted in love scenes with a man that she is not even married to in real life? This would not be a big deal if she was ugly, because, like I’m always telling the restoration committee, no one cares what ugly people do with their privates. However, Sweeney is hot, which is a problem, because that makes me feel things, and no one should be able to make me feel my own feelings.

Foreign People

Now, I know what you are probably thinking:

“Can foreign people be Christians?”

Well, typically, no. But some foreign people have probably visited America and learned how to read English, so they can understand what the Bible says. So, potentially, some foreigners can be saved. But if they truly wanted to be holy, then why are they so different than me?

Hugh Hefner

You don’t hear much from Hefner these days. Probably a big reason is that he is using drugs—the drug of tobacco. Hefner is famous for walking around in his pajamas and smoking a pipe, which is what happens when you use drugs: you don’t even want to get dressed.

Kendra Pierce

Probably the worst thing that a Christian wife can do is cooperate with the restoration committee. For example, when you tell her that the ministry funds aren’t “missing,” and you use finger quotes and do a slow wink, like this, because all that money went into the Worldwide Radio Ministry account, which is a special account for money that I have already spent, one day it will be a radio program for the unsaved or whatever. Also, when she finds your burner phone that has the texts from the last several mistresses or whatever, I mean hypothetically, I am doing another slow wink right now, but anyway she turned that over to the committee, and that is not Proverbs 31 behavior.

Diddy

Folks, they are letting Black people have all the baby oil now, which is CRT. I guess Diddy just really liked massages, which is what got Ravi Zacharias in trouble.

Travis Kelce

Kelce has been going to a lot of concerts to support his girlfriend, who is apparently some sort of singer. However, the concerts are secular. My youth pastor said that if you go to a concert and they are not glorifying God, then you are glorifying the flesh, anyway I think he might have deconstructed, because he sells Nissans out by the highway now, sometimes I see him standing outside vaping when I drive by.

Chilli Heeler

1. Rarely wears pants

2. In most of the episodes, does not talk about systematic theology

3. Does not accept the spiritual authority of Steve, as Blue, Magenta, and Green Puppy do on Blue’s Clues.

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