There Will Be Plenty of Time For Youth Sports, in Hell

My friends, The Discourse has once again turned to the idea of families missing church services to watch their children play sports.

Everyone knows that kids do not need to go to church, because they might hear about exciting sins and decide to do them. And children are not allowed to repent, because they are under the Age of Liability, which is part of theology, which can be found in various verses. And if a child repents for a sin they don’t need to repent for, that uses up one (1) forgiveness, and now Beth Moore won’t be forgiven for giving Coors Banquet to the lemurs in the zoo because she thought they looked sad. So, Visa Visa, we can’t have children repenting for sins they learned about in church, because the grown ups need to be forgiven first.

If you are a parent, the rules are different. You are never allowed to miss church, because there is a certain number of times you must attend church to be holy, and I will never tell you the number, because you will stop going after you reach it. This is called Grace.

Some people might say that we should let each Christian family decide how to balance their own schedule. How foolish! I did not receive an honorary degree from seminary to let other Christians think for themselves. As soon as you let Christians think for themselves, they will think about things other than you.

Here are some headings, which contain thoughts that could not otherwise be connected into a coherent essay:

Did Jesus Play Youth Sports?

Of course he did, when he was younger. Probably like soccer or baseball, because in basketball he would not have been allowed to shot fake, because that’s deceitful. Anyway, once he got to high school, the Pharisees did not let him play sports, because he was homeschooled (this was before Tim Tebow). If you go to the Greek, you see that when Jesus was a teenager, he liked to hang out with old people and talk about books, instead of having a girlfriend, so this proves that he was homeschooled. This is called hermegesis.

Why Do You Have Kids?

It seems very suspicious to me that you have children. Did you know that many children are the result of people having sex? Now, I’m not going to ask you if you have been having sex, because that would be inappropriate, but feel free to make some hand motions to explain yourself, like this, where this hand is the boy private and it’s like WHOMP and then the girl private is over here and it’s like NOM NOM, also don’t forget the bosoms.

I will be talking to your youth pastor.

Some Would Say that Bible Quiz is the Best Sport, Anyway

Before I embarked on a prestigious Christian college basketball career where I touched the ball on several occasions, I competed in a much more glamorous sport: Bible quiz.

The beauty of Bible quiz is that you can play it in church, without the hassle of cheerleaders, girls, or popularity. Even the girls on the quiz team don’t want to be there. You can put on your best dress shirt and Three Stooges novelty tie and quote verses in front of deeply repressed adults who will call you a future Republican state senator, and when you place 1st in the district tournament, you can win a $1,000 scholarship to a college in Minnesota that costs one million dollars per semester to attend, so anyway I have no idea why you’d rather be at the 8u travel tournament watching Brayden and Braxton bat.

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