What is the 6th Love Language?

A long time ago, there was a Christian singer named Gary Chapman, and he fell in love with another Christian singer named Amy Grant, and he married her until they were no longer married. Then he got sad and wrote a book for Christian dads to help them get laid more, except the publisher wouldn’t publish it with a title like that, so Gary was like “love languages,” and then a whole bunch of churches got really woke about love languages and taught his book to teenagers like me who were too afraid to talk to girls regardless.

Anyway, Chapman is back in the news because he said that no one else is allowed to invent any more love languages:

The New York Times @nytimes

Gary Chapman, the author of the seminal book "The 5 Love Languages," is surprised that the concept has become a cultural phenomenon. But despite the enthusiasm, he doesn’t think anyone has discovered a sixth love language. nyti.ms/3cwihnP

Nice try, Gary, but I am an evangelical thought leader. If we can’t put God in a box, I don’t think I should be in one, either. Whenever I shift the paradigm, which is every day, I invent dozens of new love languages, many of which are too powerful to even describe here. However, I have said too much. There is no getting the genius back in the bottle now. So, I will explain which love languages are the sixth, seventh, eighth and so on.

Not having affairs

Whenever my wife is upset with me about anything, I say “yes, but I am not having an affair, and this is a love language.”

You’d be surprised how often an affair turns into a negative thing. There’s a reason that most Christian counselors recommend reducing the number of affairs you have. Often times, the spouse who *isn’t* touching strange people’s privates will get upset. This is why it’s a good idea to not sleep with other people, just in case your spouse is weird about that sort of thing. It’s called being considerate, which is in the Bible, in various verses.

Attacking your spouse’s enemies with nunchucks

One thing that really makes your spouse feel loved is when you pull up on their rivals in the church parking lot and jump out with nunchucks. You don’t have to hurt anyone; usually, all it takes is to hit the front of their car a few times and they will throw it in reverse and speed away.

Lying

One of the most effective ways to Biblically build up your spouse with Christ-like love is to constantly lie to them. Some examples:

• Wow, just got back from church, all anyone is talking about is how holy you are

• All my friends are always asking me how to get their wives to be more like you

• Just heard from the President again, he definitely still has a crush on you

• Looks like my family agrees with you on everything

• Great news, the kids aren’t going to complain about anything tomorrow

Cleavage

For a Christian wife, probably the best way to make your husband feel loved is to wear a revealing top. This is because whenever a man sees bosoms, he thinks “hmm, those are right next to the heart” and then he thinks about how full of love his heart is, also he thinks “home is where the heart is,” which is probably in the Bible, too.

Being perfect

One thing I’m always telling my wife is that the best way to make me feel loved is to be perfect in every way. This is because all of my sins are other people’s fault. So, the only way for me to stop sinning is for everyone around me to get serious about holiness or whatever.

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)