Probably the most dangerous thing for a Christian man is to be single, because horny. Once you get married, you never have to worry about being horny again, because your wife is naked all the time and you get to have sex 20-25 times per day, I know this is true because at youth group Jacob and Asher’s brother Caleb was there and that’s what he said, and he knows a lot because he is 18. Also, because he’s 18, it’s not a sin when he smokes in the parking lot, he said that, too.
When a Christian man doesn’t get married, bad things happen. Just look at Martin Luther: he wanted to be Pope real bad but back then the popes had to be bachelors. So Luther didn’t get married. But then they found out that he wasn’t even Catholic, he was Lutheran, and they were like “hmm, pretty close, but not enough weird traditions, no pope for you” and Martin Luther got so mad that he made a list of various things and then nailed the Wittenberg whore. Then one day his son was like “I have a dream” and I guess it was about how everyone should get to be a pope, no matter what color you are.
Friends, we have to face the musicians: a Christian man needs to find a godly woman. But how does that work?
Well, in the Bible, when the Israelites were always fighting with the Philippians, in whichever Testament that is, there are some pretty wild stories about men getting wives. At one point the Israelites were told to go to where the nice ladies were and carry one off. We still have this today; it is called Christian college. But what about those who don’t go to Christian college? Where should they go to find a Christian wife?
Easy. I’ll tell you.
The Christian Wife Store
In most areas, these go by the name Hobby Lobby. These stores are always full of Christian ladies. And yes, it’s true, most of them are already married, but don’t lose heart: look for the employees! Any given Hobby Lobby store will employ 3-5 single Christian homeschooled women who have been told to put their lives on hold and practice knitting until God sends them a husband. They are wearing jean skirts; this is the sign. You have a window here: they are at Hobby Lobby for now, but soon they will get really into deconstruction podcasts, then they will be angry for five years and get a tattoo, then they will have kids and occasionally vote for a Republican candidate who reminds them of their father, even though they would never admit this.
So, go up and talk to the clerk at the fabric counter who is 26 and wearing a jean skirt with white Keds. She doesn’t know anything about makeup, but she will understand your oddball Biblical theories. Was Melchizedek actually Shem? Go, king.
In your bed
Is there a lady in your bed? If so, is she married? (this is the important question)
If she is married to you: GOOD
If she is married, but not to you: VERY, VERY BAD
If she is not married: THIS IS ALSO BAD. You need to give my youth pastor a call, it may be time for you to rededicate yourself to radical purity. He can bring you a pledge card to sign.
Under the enchanted forest rock
Journey into the deep woods at dawn. Past the silent river; over the black hills. Using your LifeWay brand Proverbs 31 dowsing rods, look for the moss-covered boulder that lies on the western bank of the calming brook. Carefully approach the boulder from downwind and lift it using the Staff of Mohler. As soon as you do this, play Steven Curtis Chapman’s song His Eyes on speaker from your phone. There will be several Godly women hiding under the boulder; the sultry tones of the mandolin will momentarily entrance them. Quickly fall to your knees and propose to one of them before it gets to “sometimes His eyes were gentle" because that means the song is almost over and the women will disappear into the brook and not be seen again until the next blood moon.
The bra aisle
One thing Christian women love is underwear. Probably a good idea is to go to the bra or panty aisle of your local department storeand just kind of hang out. Maybe be standing there reading a theology book, real cool-like. Well hello there. Don’t mind me, just doing some light reading on the principles of…you know, I couldn’t help but notice that you are looking at the underwear. No no, no need to call for store security, I actually have no idea what girl privates look like, my mom tore that page out of the anatomy textbook when I was homeschooled, anyway do you believe in destiny?
The last place you left her
Simply retrace your steps. Did you lose your godly wife before you went out to run errands? Then she is probably in the house somewhere. Did you accidentally leave her sitting on top of the washing machine when you were doing laundry? Did you place her on the counter when you put the leftovers away? Perhaps you only think you lost her; perhaps you forgot that tonight is Melchizedek role play night and she is in the bedroom waiting for you to come prepare the offering.
if you are Baptist, go to Walmart. If you are reformed, go to Target. If you are Charismatic, go to a sporting goods store where they sell athletic wear
"My mom tore that page out of my anatomy text book when I was homeschooled" Yep! I can so relate to someone who used to be "that girl". This is brilliant.
I've noticed a trend: Your Substack is where Christian clichés are identified, exposed, ridiculed, and (hopefully) die all in one essay.
Brilliant. You go, King!