Which video games are safe for Christians?

Recently, I realized that I needed an organic-sounding introduction to an article, so I made up an imaginary person who would ask me the following question: Matthew, do you play video games?

Upon being asked this, my first answer was “no, I do not play video games, because I am not a nerd.” I am much too busy speaking at prestigious conferences and sitting on various panels, where I begin each answer by calling some famous Christian by their first name even though I don’t know them outside of Twitter. However, my team informed me that video games are extremely popular, and that it would be good for my brand to talk about this topic. Therefore, let me slightly revise my first answer, to this: “I alone will tell you which video games are safe for Christians.”

Do I know anything about video games? Who are you, Bob Smietana? Of course I don’t know anything about them. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have concrete opinions, which are always correct. How many video games can there be, anyway—like two dozen or something? This will be easy.

Super Mario Bros

A mustached man in an outdated hat collecting money and eating magic mushrooms? No thank you, I have seen this movie before, and it is called Hillsong.

Verdict: STAY AWAY

Tomb Raider

Breaking into ancient tombs to take stuff? Sure, this may be technically stealing, but lots of things are technically stealing: buying items on sale and returning them after the sale ends; asking for extra napkins in the drive thru; and robbing lemonade stands, to name a few.

But what happens when the Tomb Raiders break into Jesus’ tomb? You know what they won’t find in there? Jesus. Boom. Your move, atheists; we just Josh McDowelled your ass.

Verdict: SAFE FOR CHRISTIANS

Super Tecmo Bowl

A football game where one player runs circles around the other team for an entire quarter?¹ In actual professional football, you only see this sort of thing once a month or so. So it is unrealistic, yes. But what is this game teaching our young people? To resist the urge to score, even when everyone else is doing it? To dart around and evade the hordes of swarthy, pagan enemies trying to bring you down? And then—only when the time is right—to gently and prudently slip into the end zone?

Verdict: SAFE FOR CHRISTIANS

Bible Adventures

My friends, it is one thing to allow our children to build entire worlds in Mindcraft and Fortnight, but do we want to turn them loose in a virtual Bible world? Imagine all the repressed pastor’s wives playing this game. They will go straight to Potiphar’s house and try to tear all of Joseph’s clothes off, snorting and braying because Mama Potiphar wants the rod and the staff to comfort her! And what about the homeschool boys, who will no doubt go right to the Song of Solomon level and wear their joysticks out trying to get close to the fawns. Let me be clear: sex has no place in video games.

Verdict: STAY AWAY

Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball

The first four words of this game sound like a youth group, and the last two words are something that youth groups do, so this game is probably very safe. I have never played it, but I recently bought several copies: one for the student ministry at church; one for my children’s homeschool co op; and one for Russell Moore. (Or, as I call him, Russell.)

Verdict: SAFE FOR CHRISTIANS

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1. this is much more commonplace in college football, whenever an SEC team plays a team from another conference