Why Are Only the Catholic Popes Dying?

Folks, it looks like we have lost another Pope.

As the College of Ordinals gathers in Washington, DC to form a concave and pick the next Pope, we must ask: is being Pope a death sentence?

Did you know that out of all the thousands of Popes that the Catholic Church has selected over the years, almost all of them are currently dead? To be sure, a Presbyterian Pope will occasionally die, such as Tim Keller and John Piper, but the vast majority of the Popes who die are Catholic.

Why is this? Who is doing this? These are the questions that They don’t want you to ask.

The Protestant Exposition

Back in mid evil times, one hundred years ago, protestants had a secret organization that would go around and ask people what they believed. This was the first outreach ministry. Except that if the person said that they believed in Catholic, then the Protestant Exposition would “give ‘em the stake,” which was where they murdered you by nailing a wooden stake into your heart, until you were dead. John Calvin and Abraham Van Helsing were in charge of this ministry. This is also what happened to Dracula, who was probably the most famous Catholic of all time: the Protestant Exposition killed him and also some of his Gypsies, but it was a Pyrex victory, because then the Exposition got canceled, because you aren’t supposed to say “Gypsies,” because they are called Romani, except in Ireland, where they are still called Gypsies, and this is why there aren’t any Catholics in Ireland to this day.

But then there were those documentaries with Professor Tom Hanks, where secret societies come back to life and leave symbols everywhere and the Catholic Church is like “what?” and then Professor Tom Hanks has long hair and he’s like “it’s all connected,” and then Gandalf kills some people and Obi-Wan flies a helicopter into outer space.

So we know that these societies are always coming back to life and trying to mess with the Catholic Church. Is it that hard to believe, then, that the Protestant Exposition has returned? Are they the reason that the Popes keep dying?

I’m just asking questions here, which is a thing you say when you are trying to get other people to give you the answers.

Solutions

Probably the biggest mistake that the Catholic Church makes is that they elect Popes who are too young and glamorous. A better strategy would be to elect decrepit old men, so that whenever the Protestant Exposition shows up, they will look at the Pope and how he can’t post anything on Facebook correctly, and they will be like “ah, this old coot ain’t hurtin’ nobody,” which is how Baptist assassins talk, and anyway they will leave him alone.

Another problem with all these young Popes is that when they die, their wives get lonely. Whenever you have a beautiful Pope widow, there is that weird period where she lives at the Pope house (Notre Dame) for a while, and she is a national sweetheart because she looks so good in her pink Chanel suit and pillbox hat, but then there is a new Pope, so the widow ends up marrying a Greek shipping magnate and falling out of favor with everyone for a while, and then the shipping magnate dies and the Pope widow comes back to New York and rehabilitates her public image by getting really involved in charity, anyway this is what happens when you pick a Handsome Pope.

Finally, a radical proposal: with respect to the decades of rich Catholic tradition, is it possible that we can move beyond the need for a Pope? After all, do we not already have an intermediary between Christians and God? A perfect, blameless firstborn among many brothers, who connects us to the wisdom and salvation of our perfect Father? I am speaking, of course, of myself.

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