Will My Loved Ones Be in Heaven, and How Can I Prevent This?

Probably the biggest worry for Christians is where their friends and family will spend eternity.

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When one of your loved ones becomes a Christian, it means that they are going to heaven. Sort of. It depends on what kind of church we are talking about. If it’s a Baptist or Calvinist church, it means that they are for sure going to heaven, even if they go back to being a secular tool. (Except if they do something really bad, like pledge allegiance to Satan and attack Christian babies with powerful samurai swords, which then means that the person was never actually a Christian to begin with.) Meanwhile, if it’s a different kind of church, and the person does too many regular sins, they might go back to being Unsaved. The whole thing is very complicated, although I understand it perfectly.

All of this can be a source of anxiety for believers. We want to know where our friends and family will spend eternity, so we can avoid them, if possible.

As a Christian, what are my options, exactly? How can I avoid having to live forever with people I don’t like?

Only have pagan friends

One thing I like to do is never associate with other Christians. There are several reasons for this: first, whenever God is looking at me and I’m surrounded by horrible pagans, maybe it will make me look even more righteous. This is like in youth group when I stood around the ugliest guys, so that whenever the babes like Andrea or Sarah walked by, I would look pretty good.

Another reason to only have unsaved friends is that you won’t have to see them again after you die. Except sometimes one of my secular friends becomes a Christian, which is pretty selfish, because it ruins my plan.

Get your loved ones to live longer

As Christians, we must be clear: suicide is never acceptable, except in extreme cases, such as when the last missile on your fighter jet malfunctions, and the only way to stop the alien mothership from blowing up the mountain base is to fly directly into the beam of the alien ship’s butthole, causing a big explosion, also it is not a sin to yell “UP YOURS” while you are doing this, because you are crashing your plane up into the alien ship, so it is technically accurate.

However.

I often encourage my Christian loved ones to take meticulous care of themselves and to extend their earthly lives by any means possible. I do this because I plan on dying at a regular age, and if I get to heaven first, I can at least enjoy it for a little while before all of my family and friends get there.

Get Naked

If all else fails, and you find yourself in heaven surrounded by family and friends, take heart: all is not lost.

Try this: simply take off your white robes of glory and walk around totally nude. You will be surprised at how much it bothers your family and friends to see you naked. Many people will avoid you if you aren’t wearing clothes, trust me on this. And then if you get in trouble, and the angels are like “what are you doing?” you can just point at your privates and act all innocent, like “oh, I’m sorry, I thought we were walking in perfection now?” and because it’s a new body, your privates will be looking incredible, like you can probably twirl your boy part or bounce your girl parts, and holy light will radiate off your body and you will start to float up into the air, and you can glide over New Jerusalem while all your family and friends scurry away, horrified by your airborne privates. The only bad thing is that you can’t yell UP YOURS, because the context is different, and it will be a sin.

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