Will we be allowed to have sex in heaven?

Probably the most important issue facing the Church is if we will be allowed to bang each other in heaven. On earth, the rules are pretty clear: the only person you are allowed to bang is your spouse, unless you have a good reason. But when it comes to heaven, it is not clear who is allowed to come in heaven.

Let’s go to the Greek: there was that one story in that one chapter where the teachers of the law, the Philistines, tried to trap Jesus when he was at the well with the Sanhedrin woman. Some things happened and then they asked Jesus “this woman has had five husbands, who does she belong to in heaven?” But this was a trick question, because no one who has touched that many wieners is allowed to go to heaven, if you touch 4 wieners you are in trouble, this is why the Israelites had to circumstance themselves, because too many people were touching four skins. This is theology.

Some Christians believe that we will not recognize each other in heaven. Other Christians think we will be naked. Have my team look up sources for these. Folks, a bunch of believers staring at each other’s privates but not recognizing anything? Sounds like Christian college to me. But let’s get serious: don’t we need a thought leader to tell us what we are allowed to do in New Jerusalem? This is where I come in, which is a thing you might not be allowed to say in heaven, it just depends, so keep reading.

Is your spouse young and hot in heaven?

If so, you should definitely have sex with them. However, if one or both of you look the way you did when you died, 117 years old and decrepit, clutching a Gideons Bible and moaning for the sweet release of death, you should probably just hold hands or whatever.

No to angels

If you are a Christian lady in heaven, and an angel floats over next to you and is like “hey baby, have you ever read Genesis 6?” you must resist this temptation. Sure, the idea of hot angel dong seems fun, but that’s what got the Old Testament ladies in trouble. If they had practiced a little purity culture, we wouldn’t have had the Naphtali, which were giants or rock monsters or whatever, have my team look this up and write something smart here.

I am allowed to

Folks, part of being a thought leader is practicing discipline. This is why I only have mistresses who are believers. A lot of celebrity Christians damage their brand because they have lovers who are not Christians. This is foolish; if you try to have sex with these women in heaven, you will get in trouble, because what are they even doing in heaven, they are not believers. This is why I’m always telling¹ my side chicks “remember, if you want to sleep with me after we die, don’t deconstruct or anything.” This is also theology.

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1. Some people say that this is selfless, that I am a champion of women and a hero of the faith. Have my team make up some quotes that make this seem true.