Won't Someone Pay Attention to My Theology Beard?

Do you not see my beard? It is a Theology Beard.

Look at these artisanally crafted angles and edges. Do you see how it slopes down and then goes like this, like, WHOOSH? You have to have a special trimmer to make it do that. I have the trimmer, and it is special.

Behold my Theology Beard! Whiskers bristling against one another, crackling and sparking with bursts of pure static holiness. Generating a field of intellectual ecstasy, a portal through which my consciousness hurtles across space and time, unbound from the constructs that weigh mere mortals. Huzzah, I whisper, as I reach through the looking glass and caress Wisdom’s supple cheek.

Oh, you are a masculine man? You lift weights? You throw the sportsball? You have a blue collar job that requires you to use your hands? How quaint. Your Honor, I would direct the court to Exhibit A: the hair on my face. I trump you, and I win.

Yes, I said Trump. Does that…OFFEND you? I love Trump. Or maybe I don’t…because he is too radical. Or perhaps he is not radical enough. Who knows. Whichever of those things makes you the most upset, that is what I will believe. Today.

Wait, where are you going? Don’t leave me. You have to react. You have to be angry. Does my Theology Beard not make you angry? Of course it does, because you are jealous.

You have breasts; I have a beard. We are not the same. I am built different. You cannot even read the Scripture, because whenever you set your Bible in your lap, your big boobs are in the way, bouncing around and clanging into each other because they are so full of Emotions. Then you get upset and wave your small hands around, and then you say a bunch of baby talk, because that is how girls sound to me: gabba goo goo wah wah.

Maybe if you had a Theology Beard, you could do theology the way it was meant to be done: online. My enemies are nowhere; my enemies are everywhere. They must be called out at all times. Christians who are more liberal than me? Pussies. Are you offended that I used that word? You just proved my point. Christians who are more conservative than me? They are apostates who can’t repent. Oh, you don’t think so? You just proved my point.

Sometimes people on social media get mad at me, but that’s okay. I will sit right here, reclining in my Dorch Ublen leather executive chair, smiling at my laptop. Even now, my Theology Beard glows, radiating pure evangelical energy at such precise frequency and pitch that it is causing every Baptist woman named Cheri within a 30 mile radius to ovulate.

Do I dare stroke the beard? Trembling, my hand reaches toward my face, as holy light envelops me. My fingertips touch the hair, and I am swept into hermeneutic nirvana. My spirit astral projects into a dimension beyond our concepts of linear time, where a being I understand to be Melchizedek guides me to biblical times. We visit Patmos, and I am able to enter the Apostle John’s visions. He stares at me and points at my beard, but does not say a word. Meaningless, whispers Melchizedek. Everything is meaningless.

Do you not see my beard? It is a Theology Beard.

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