You are Voting For the Wrong Person

Folks, the elections have gone political.

Let’s survey the landscapers: the guy is running against the other guy, except he mumbled too much and they are making a lady take his place, which is sexism. And their backups are both white guys this time, which is racial. Also, there are a lot of other commissioners and ambassadors and so forth who are running for office. About half of them are going to win, and one of the things it will come down to is the votes.

When you look at the word “election,” you are basically one letter away from an erection, which is like when Josiah tricked his parents into signing up for a National Geographic subscription and all the guys in my homeschool co op would go over to his house and wait for the mail. And let’s hit the snail on the head: which letter is changing? That’s right: L to R, or left to right, which is where liberal parents try to raise liberal children, but the kids Alex P. Keaton themselves into Republicans and then homeschool their own children, who will grow up to be liberals, or worse, libertarians, who don’t even believe in the postal service.

As a thought leader, I never vote. Or do I? I will never tell. This is why the Apostle Peter was always saying “you must become all things to no one; this is how you become greater and they become less.” (—the Greek) As long as people know that I did not vote against their candidate, they will respect my brand.

But what about you? How should you vote?

Christians are having trouble with this. Many are writing entire articles, full of arguments and other words. Some Christians say it is wrong to kill babies, and other Christians say it is wrong to be fascist, and you cannot be against both things, you have to choose one, this is called democracy. Also, no one is talking about the fascist babies, which is a shame, because that would be a good band name.

Probably the most important thing for a Christian to realize is that their vote is wrong. When you vote for someone, it is the same thing as saying that you have a crush on them, I know this because I went to a Christian school for a year and I was on the homecoming court and I did not win, which makes sense because I did not go on any dates that year. Also, my parents said that Josh Harris told them that dating was a sin, and if you went on a date then a girl might grab your privates and try to make a fascist baby with you.

As a believer, you are free to choose whichever politician you like, as long as you feel intensely guilty about it afterward, kind of like Nathaniel and Jeremiah did whenever we saw tribal boobies at Josiah’s house. Nathaniel felt so guilty that he wrote and illustrated a weird Christian comic book about emotional purity, and Jeremiah wound up confessing to his mother. Then our youth pastor talked to us and said that it was a sin for us to be at Josiah’s house waiting for the mail to come, because our Proverbs 31 wives were waiting for their male to come. Anyway, Nathaniel ended up listening to a lot of Audrey Assad and doing something called a purposeful deconstruction, but his kids are all Republicans now.

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