You just met a beautiful girl at church

How do you make her fall in love with you?

First of all, you should never call a woman “girl,” even if they are super hot, because this is sexist. Remember: treat every lady with the same respect that you would give your mother. This is why I am not allowed to go into the college and career Sunday school class, because they got offended when I called the girls in there “Mommy,” also they said I am too old and no one wants to look at my mixtapes. Anyway, another thing you can call ladies is “female,” like “you are one hot female” or “no, I have not been texting that female,” if the restoration committee is asking too many questions.

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But let’s not beat off on the far path: this article is for the boys. My friends, men are in crisis. I know this is true because whenever I have a speaking engagement that men don’t go to, all of the women come up to me afterwards and say things like that. Christian women are always asking me questions about Christian men, like “where are they?” or “why won’t they marry me immediately?” So I will address this. I believe that there are many Christian men in our churches, they just need some direction, and men love being told what to do.

Guys, let’s start with church itself.

Church is a place where you can go and meet many attractive people who are already married or engaged. On the rare occasion that you meet a single person who isn’t totally horrible, you must act quickly. The sanctuary is full of people who are hornier than you, and some of them have social skills. However, you have something that those people do not—you have an ace in your hole. (Me, an evangelical thought leader, who will tell you what to do)

Compliment her modesty

Fellas, it’s not easy to be a Christian woman! Every time they choose what to wear, they have to navigate between fashion trends, purity culture, comfort, and peer pressure! Validate her feelings with gentle words of affirmation, such as “I can’t see even a little bit of your bosoms, which is good, because I bet they’re super nice,” and then make, like, a motion of a rocket launching into outer space and do the sound effects with your mouth, to show how your respect for her is going super high right now.

Bring her gifts of meat

Forget flowers, boys. Leave Sunday school early and go shopping for her. Meet her on the way to the sanctuary and surprise her with a spicy chicken sandwich or a savory roast beef and Swiss. As she is standing there eating the delicious food you brought her, make your move. Say “If you like that meat, there’s plenty more where that came from,” and point down, where you are pulling out a hot double cheeseburger from your pocket. Then, while she is falling in love with you, say “but you have to wait until the wedding night for the footlong,” and point down again, where you are pulling a large hot dog out of your other pocket. But this is just a joke; give her the hot dog now, there’s no way it will keep until the wedding.

Defend her against deadly assassins

Gender roles are not always easy to negotiate. Should you pay for dinner? Hold the door? Take her suggestions for your faith-based Transformers fan fiction? I mean, she’s pretty adamant that Decepticons can’t be saved, and that ruins the whole plot of Volume VII, when Missionary Bumblebee goes to Chaar, but good luck bringing this up in premarital counseling with the associate pastor who’s just going to give you a love languages worksheet and ask if you watch porn.

Anyway, do not be afraid of being canceled by feminists, my brothers. Many times a young woman at church is faced with a squad of ninja assassins trying to murder her with throwing stars. Other times, intergalactic bounty hunters may try to kidnap her in the fellowship hall. And we haven’t even talked about demons and bears yet. In any case, always reassure her by saying nice, calming things like

• I’ve cleared this room of potential threats, m’lady

• I would defend you against a medium to medium-large bobcat

• If the ninjas attack, we go back to back and fight our way to the stairwell

• I would never let the bounty hunters take you away on their spaceship (make the motions for a spaceship lifting off and flying away, and make the sounds with your mouth)

*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of your bosoms, who also do not want to check out my mixtape.