CHURCH GM: Proposed trades

Some personal news: I am pleased to announce that I have accepted the position of Church General Manager. I will now be conducting trades and acquiring new talent for the Church, as well as shipping out certain assets that might not be the best fit.

In the interest of transparency, here is a list of my current trade targets, and what I am offering for them:

Russ Jr. from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids

Who he is: a 5’4” 15 year old with a questionable haircut who quit the football team

Why the Church needs him: When I saw this movie as a kid, Russ Jr. seemed like he was 27 years old and the coolest person who had ever existed. Buried beneath the disaffected pre-emo schtick, Russ had a deep sense of morality and honor. He forced his brother to admit to breaking the window. He risked his life to save Nick on the bee, then risked his life again to pull Amy out of the mud. Did I pause the VHS tape to study his mouth-to-mouth technique, in case any of the babes at church choked on a hamburger during the church picnic? Who’s to say. ¹

The offer: The Church will trade Casting Crowns for Russ Jr.

Katy Perry

Who she is: one time Christian pop singer who deconstructed, went to space, and also very much wants to remind us that she has breasts

Why the Church needs her: Hear me out on this one. She comes back to the faith. Wears the same outfits. Brings her Jiggle Feminist energy to…yes, that’s right: the Newsboys. Imagine Candace Cameron Bure and one of the Duck Dynasty people introducing her at the K-Love Fan Awards as she prances across the stage in a metallic bikini and sultry-sings the chorus to “Shine.” Also, she brings Orlando Bloom to the faith, where he stars in the new Pure Flix film about…wait, more on that later.

The offer: the Church will trade various elements of the Republican Party for Katy Perry.

A.C. Slater

Who he is: Bedimpled teenage jock with a mullet who plays drums in a horrible band

Why the Church needs him: because he was a better boyfriend than Zack. Zack was scheming, untrustworthy, and selfish. He chased girls because of the status that they afforded him, not because he truly cared about any of them. Slater, on the other hand, accepted Jessie for who she was. He was a macho right wing army brat; she was a left wing feminist. They argued over issues, but he never asked her to change who she was. He accepted their differences and cared for her deeply.

The offer: The Church will trade Jim Bakker for A.C. Slater

Wes Anderson

Who he is: like if someone gave a Classical Conversations homeschooled kid a film camera and 20 million dollars in 2002

Why the Church needs him: Wes. Anderson. Early. Church. Period. Piece. Starring Orlando Bloom.

The offer: the Church will trade the New King James Version and 5,000 denim skirts for Wes Anderson

Sanka Coffie

Who he is: the greatest push cart driver on this island

Why the Church needs him: because there was a two-month stretch in 1993 where it seemed like he was the funniest person in the world. Also, I feel like I have seen many versions of Sanka in the American Church that transcend race and gender: the beloved early 20s weirdo who wears wacky clothes and makes everyone laugh. They are always just sort of hovering around the edges of ministry, driving vans and serving as camp counselors. The youth pastor considers this person a trusted lieutenant. Are they sketchy? Not yet. If they are still wandering around the student ministry annex at 28 in red tinted glasses and Zubaz pants, then yes. But right now, they are 20 and just trying to figure out their calling, man.

The offer: The Church will trade Sojourners magazine and 500 WWJD bracelets for Sanka Coffie.

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1. apropos of nothing, do you know how old Russ Sr. was in real life? Like, 49, right? He was 31. You’re welcome.