Could 100 Billy Grahams Convert a Gorilla?

Probably the most dangerous threat facing the Church is all the deadly gorillas.

It seems as if every day we see another news story about one gorilla fighting 100 men to the death. When will this carnage end?

It is our duty as a Church to resist the urge to follow culture. Instead of sending 100 men to battle these rogue primates, should we not be sending 100 Billy Grahams to preach the Gospel?

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First off, we must undress the elephant in the room: why must we send 100 males to evangelize the gorilla? Christianity has many vibrant, capable women, such as that hot one, and also the slightly older one, who is also hot. Can women not evangelize gorillas?

In a word, no. We must remember gender roles: boys are big and strong, and they must always evangelize the big animals, such as bison, giraffes, and brontosauruses. Girls have high-pitched voices and tiny feet, so they can only evangelize the smaller animals, such as field mice and bumblebees. Some women reject this and are egalitarian, because they try to convert eagles.

In any case, let’s look at the key issues here:

Gorillas can’t talk. Right?

Wrong. That is ableism against animals, which is a form of privilege, which is like something else, which is also bad. How sad.

Let’s go to the Greek: in the story of Balaam, he was trying to ride a camel through a narrow path next to some rocks, and then Jesus said “he’ll never thread that needle,” so the rich young ruler gave Balaam a donkey, because donkeys are smaller than camels, but Jacob was fighting an angel on the path, and this made the donkey scrape Balaam’s leg against the rocks. Balaam started to beat the donkey, so Jesus gave the donkey the ability to speak, and it opened its mouth and said “AHAAHGAGAAHAAAAH!” And then I got in trouble at Christian college because I told a girl “you can call me Balaam, because that ass is speaking to me.”

Furthermore, we know from the documentary Congo that they can give monkeys Nintendo Power Gloves that turn monkey sign language into speech. If Amy can say UGLY GORILLAS GO AWAY, they could have trained her to say JESUS, COME INTO MY HAIRY MONKEY HEART and then she could have finally asked Peter out, because if she tried to date him as a pagan it would count as missionary dating, which is three bases away from being unequally yoked, according to my youth pastor.

What if the gorilla believes in evolution?

It is very common for unsaved gorillas to believe in evolution. Most gorillas would like to believe that one day they will be a human sitting on a couch in an air conditioned living room, eating Doritos right out of the bag, instead of wandering around the hot jungle, where you have to eat Doritos sitting on the ground.

This is where the 100 Billy Grahams will have to use flannelgraph to teach the gorilla about creation and the Garden of Eden. You could try to talk about gaps in the fossil record and punctuated equilibria, but that gorilla is probably going to zone out unless you take out a banana and wave it around¹.

What if the gorilla refuses to believe?

It is a simple fact that some will not accept the Gospel. All believers, regardless of how they interpret free will and predestination, must confront this reality. If the gorilla refuses to accept the message of salvation as presented by 100 Billy Grahams, the next step must be made in love and grace:

The Billy Grahams will kill the gorilla.

While the animal is still distracted by the Roman Road presentation, two teams of Grahams will move in from the flanks and begin to unleash powerful roundhouse kicks. Then, the captain, let’s call him Killy Graham, will drop in from a nearby tree. Boom, aerial attack, the gorilla’s weakness. This Graham will put the gorilla in a rear naked choke, a Graham specialty. Lights out.

Some might say that this is cruel, but it is consistent: in the old days, during his crusades, Billy Graham would walk through the audience and karate chop anyone who didn’t want to be a Christian. That was back when there was only one of him, though.

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1. taking your banana and waving it around is another thing you can get in trouble for at Christian college