Could God Make a Rock So Heavy that I Wouldn't Be Able to Lift it?

Probably the worst thing about atheists is that they are always saying things.

This is because there are rules for being an atheist, such as:

• always tell people you are an atheist

• always be online

• whenever you meet someone who finds hope and meaning in their faith, try to ruin it for them

Atheists are always using pairs of things to argue against God: paradigms, paradoxes, parallaxes, and paralegals, also my youth pastor said that Satan would use pairs to destroy my faith if I did not bounce my eyes, but he was talking about atheist bosoms, although not all atheists have these, only certain ones do.

As believers, we must be ready to recognize an unbeliever who wants to debate us about the tenants of our faith. Once we learn how to recognize them, it is much easier to avoid them. We can’t be wasting time with these people; we need to save our energy for arguing with other believers online. Nonetheless, there are times when we cannot get away, and must listen to an atheist try to trap us with clever arguments, such as:

Liar, Lunatic, or Lord?

Which of these three is the murderer? It’s a trick question, don’t even try to answer. The liar is never telling the truth, so there is no way to solve the crime.

The Problem of Evil

If God is real, a nonbeliever will say, then why am I so evil? This is an easy one. Dear nonbeliever: you are not any more evil than the rest of us, you’re just exhausted, because you spend four hours a day listening to podcasts that make you angry and then you give everyone and everything the same purity test you did when you were 19 and went to the fundamentalist church. When you left the faith, you didn’t actually change yourself; you just changed teams.

The Problem of Free Will

If God is omniscient¹, we cannot have free will, or something. Also there is something in there about theological fatalism, which is where your seminary professor talks for so long that you want to kill yourself. Anyway, whenever an atheist uses this argument on me, I simply scream JOHN PIPER SEX MANGOES, because this is a sentence no one has ever said, I just invented it, and if I don’t have free will, it means God invented John Piper Sex Mangoes, and you don’t even believe in God. I don’t need to be omniscient to know that this is a checkmate.

The Rock Problem

Could God make a rock so heavy that I wouldn’t be able to lift it? This is actually a very old question. Thomas Aquafina was the first one to deal with this, except he used triangles, because this was before they had rocks. He said God could make special triangles that had extra angles in them, then Euclid was like “the shape you seek is a rhomboid,” but then Euclid got canceled and now we say rhombus or parallelogram, because math is woke.

Anyway, whenever an atheist hits me with the rock problem, I invite them to go on a hike with me. Then I show them all the different rocks I can pick up (I am a big beefy dad). And then the atheist will say “yeah, but what about that big one?” and them I’m all like “that’s not a rock; that’s a boulder.” Then the atheist gets mad and says a bunch of stuff, I don’t know, I usually bounce my eyes, just to be safe.

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1. if you go to the Greek, this means that God knows all omnis