How Do You Make the Hot Guy at Church Immediately Fall in Love with You?

Probably the most frustrating thing for a Christian woman is when you see a man at church and he doesn’t want to get married. This is because of gender: men get married once and then fall asleep, while women can get married several times, or not at all, if you don’t do it right, which is why the woman should always say the vows first, to make sure she gets hers.¹

Last week I told the boys how to pick up babes at church. This week it is the ladies’ turn. And if you are thinking, “couldn’t it have all been one article?” then you do not understand what it means to be a thought leader. You must always prioritize content, if you ever want to be content. If that sounds confusing, try saying it out loud, and say the second “content” differently, like this: content.

Anyway, here is my advice on how to make the hot guy at church fall in love with you:

Show him pictures of your private parts

All boys like to look at pictures of girls’ private parts, for science. Does this mean you can simply walk around and show your privates to any nice Christian boy? Normally yes, but in church this is complicated. If elderly women see you doing this, they will be like “I wish my privates were that nice,” and this is envy, which is a sin. To make matters worst, you are not allowed to send nudes on your phone, because my youth pastor says this is Worldly, and we are on the world, not inside it, because there is lava down there, or maybe a secret world filled with dinosaurs, this was a book by Julius Erving.

Anyway, here is the reacharound: draw your private parts on a sheet of paper. If you do not have a pen or pencil, a crayon will work just fine. This way, you can walk up to the hot guy at church and say “I drew this for you, it’s pretty accurate,” and hand him the sketch. This is a good icebreaker.

Become friends with his wife

Think about it: whose opinion does he trust more than anyone? Yep, his wife. If you become great friends with his wife, soon she will be saying things like “do you know who I really like? Jenna from church, who is always giving you crayon drawings of her boobs.” Or maybe another thing that could happen is that one day you find out he’s actually a widower, and the woman at church who you thought was your friend is actually his wife’s ghost, and oh, looks like you are going crazy again, but then the ghost is like “that’s not funny; mental health is no laughing matter,” use code GHOST to get $50 off your first month at BetterHelp, so maybe the whole thing was just a crummy podcast ad, who’s to say.

Replace his communion juice with queso

While he isn’t looking, empty the juice out of his communion cup, this is not a euphemism, literally take the grape juice and Onan it onto the ground. Then, simply fill the cup with warm queso that you have smuggled into church in your purse, inside a thermos or one of those insulated bags that keep things hot². Then, when he’s like “what’s this?” you can just shrug and pull out a bag of tortilla chips. It will be the most beautiful thing that he has ever seen. Boys love queso.

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1. otherwise she might have to marry herself, which my youth pastor says is a sin

2. Casey Haas joke