Is it a sin to look at those mountains if they remind me of bosoms?

Probably the most dangerous thing for Christians is nipples. Back in the Old Testament, when the Israelites were bringing Noah’s Ark into Jerusalem, King David was like you know what this party needs? MY CANS. So he went Magic Mike and ripped off his clothes and did a dance, probably that one where you make your pecs bounce up and down like this, boom boom boom, both at once, then one at a time, boom boom boom. Also, he gave everyone raisin cakes. But then his wife was hella mad because everyone was looking at David’s nipples or whatever, also she had a boy’s name: Michal. Also maybe she was mad that David gave away like two million raisin cakes, because back then there weren’t many things that could make you happy before you died an agonizing death in battle or in childbirth, and eating a raisin cake was probably one of the things. Also she was not allowed to have babies, so she started her own craft store, but all the Baptist ladies would never go in there because it wasn’t as Christian as Hobby Lobby.

But let’s not burn the bridge at both ends: sometimes Christians get upset about ladies’ bosoms, too.

Let’s go back to the Greek. In the New Testament, Herod was like I could have any woman I want, therefore I will bang my brother’s wife. Then John the Baptist came in and told Herod a sad story about lambs and was like YOU ARE THE MAN and Herod was like I know, bro! and tried to give John a high five but John wouldn’t do it so Herod put him in jail. Then Herod threw a party and his sorta-stepdaughter came in to dance for everybody and even though the Bible doesn’t specify, we can assume she probably got her bosoms out, because the whole thing ended with Herod being very excited and promising the dancing girl half of his stuff¹, then some more weird stuff happened and Herod cut off John the Baptist’s head and gave it to the girl, which was a sin because my youth pastor says you have to be married before you can get head.

But let’s get our backs against the drawing board: this whole thing happened because of nipples. Whenever a Christian guy sees a lady’s nipples he thinks hmm, those are what babies drink from, I wish I could get married right now and have lots of babies named Caleb and Emma, and then he gets sad, because he’s just a 15 year old standing behind the pillar in the library looking at a National Geographic magazine while all the other homeschoolers in the co op group are standing over there next to David Powell and Joel Hobbs reading history books.

Anyway, let’s get to the point of this think piece: is it a sin to look at those mountains if they make you think of bosoms? Try this helpful hint: whenever you see something that reminds you of bosoms, such as mountains or cookies or Toyotas or sheets of notebook paper, simply imagine them as raisin cakes instead.

1. in the Greek this is called a “Jimmy Swaggart”