Is Jesus Being Funded by the U.S. Government?

My friends, they are letting money into politics again.

Recently, Christian ethics watchdog Mark Driscoll accused Christianity Today of accepting money from the government, presumably to finance several dozen more features on technology and the Church. Before long, this attracted the attention of Tomi Basham, author of Shepherd Sale, who said some things, and then some other things happened.

pictured: Basham

Is this true? The boss of Christianity Today is Billy Graham, and he refuses to comment. It makes you think.

The question buggers itself: what else would our government pay for?

Our government pays for many things around the world, such as food for starving children, and also espionage, coups, and unrest that causes starvation. This is called covering your bases, which is what my youth pastor said that all the girls should do, to keep the boys from doing mind sexes.

But back to government and faith. Unfortunately, people are already writing about Christianity Today. I must take it a step further, so that my brand can remain on the cutting edge of The Discourse.

Folks, let’s stop wasting time talking about the Church itself. Much like a homeschooler on the wedding night, we need to keep thinking big, until something eventually comes up.

Is Jesus getting government money? No one is talking about this. Let’s look at the opinion-based facts:

He doesn’t have a job

If you go to the Greek, Jesus says “I go to prepare a place for you” (-Bible). Jesus left the disciples and went to build a paradise where Christians could worship nonstop, away the influence of secular society. This place was America. This is why there are so many Baptist churches in Mississippi and Alabama; Jesus built them.

But where did He get the money? We know that He did not use a credit card, because this would have made Dave Ramsey’s head explode, and Jesus does not make anyone explode, because we are under the New Covenant now. The exploding heads only happened under the other one.

American sports teams are the best

Every sports fan knows that God is in charge of who wins. This is called Calvinism. If your team loses, it is because your team’s fans are being extra wicked, and they need to Get Right. This is called free will.

Have you ever noticed that American sports teams are better than everyone else?

• Except for 2019, the NBA Champion is always an American team

• The MLB champion is always American, except when it is not, shout out to the greatest team of all time, the 1993 Blue Jays

• The NFL champion is almost always an American team

What does this mean? My friends, if we look at the teen leaves, we see the truth: Jesus is blessing all of the American sports teams. Why is He doing this? Is it because we are holier than other people? Yes. Is it because He loves us more than other people? Again, yes. Is He also being paid by our government? All I am saying is that He has never denied it.

Why do they ignore Him, then?

Whenever our government pays someone large amounts of money, they try to cover it up by pretending that they don’t know the person. The Contras? Who are they? The mujahideen? Sorry, doesn’t ring a bell. Iran? Cuba? Alan Noble? Our elected officials act like they have never heard of these people or places.

Now, ask yourself this: do Republicans act like they know who Jesus is?

No.

Do Democrats act like they know who Jesus is?

(This is a rhetorical question.)

I think we see the truth: our government is paying Jesus enormous amounts of money, to build Baptist churches in Mississippi and win NBA championships. Billy Graham’s silence in this matter is deafening.

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