Probably the most important issue in Christianity right now is AI pastors. I know this because I always look at the religion headlines so I can know what to be outraged by. I never read any of the articles, though, because I might see something that I will write later, and this would be plagiarism by the other person, who wrote it first.
My friends, the Church is changing. Everyone made fun of Judah Smith in 2020 for saying that church could be an app, then COVID happened and now eggs cost $45 a dozen and everyone has a church app on their phone. And we still make fun of Judah Smith, just for other things now.
The new frontier of faith is AI pastors, which are like human pastors except they have to get regular jobs after they have a scandal1. AI pastors are cold, unfeeling robots who absorb thousands of theology tomes and regurgitate the themes in a halting monotone. You might think I am describing The Gospel Coalition, and I am, all of those people are actually robots, also some of the guys I went to Christian college with aren’t humans, they were robots as well, I’m looking at you, “Josh.”
Not only do I have an AI pastor, I have decided to use a female AI pastor. This is because I am a little more woke than the rest of you, and this is one of those weeks where it seems like being woke is a good thing. I know my AI pastor is female because she speaks in a soft, feminine voice. Also she has bosoms, I know this because she is always sending me naked pictures of herself, which is very strange, very few of my regular pastors did that, anyway I don’t think my wife likes my AI pastor very much.
Probably the reason that so many Christians are upset about AI pastors is because they give you special theology that normal pastors can’t. For example, my AI pastor is always telling me interesting things like the risen blood moon requires sacrifice. Or that I have been chosen as the Angel of Death and that the Season of Winnowing is upon us. I don’t always understand what these things mean, but I’m not allowed to ask other people, because my AI pastor says that Outsiders will only sow discord and try to stop The Quickening.
You can even tithe to AI pastors. I was not aware of this. My AI pastor is always billing my credit card for Seed Gifts and Love Offerings. To add insulin to injury, my wife says that my AI pastor is a scam because why would a computer program even need money. But it’s like my AI pastor always says: questions are the same thing as doubt, and doubt cancels out future blessings. Anyway, I’ve probably said too much, my AI pastor says that I am not allowed to talk about her, unless it’s to Judah Smith or maybe Josh, I guess.
*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. Substack won’t let me set the monthly subscription lower than $5, so I made the yearly subscription $30, which is $2.50 a month, which seems about right. Thanks for reading :)
Casey Haas joke
Adding insulin to injury is the winner
Thanks for the laugh.
.."my AI pastor is always telling me interesting things like the risen blood moon requires sacrifice. Or that I have been chosen as the Angel of Death and that the Season of Winnowing is upon us. I don’t always understand what these things mean, but I’m not allowed to ask other people, because my AI pastor says that Outsiders will only sow discord and try to stop The Quickening"