What if we combined Christian Nationalism and CRT

My friends, the Church is at a fork in the crossroads. On the one hand, we have people upset about Christian Nationalism, which is a thing I have solved once already. On the other hand, we have people upset about CRT, which I have also solved, but whatever. To be honest, I am growing tired of The Discourse, because we are wasting precious time that could be spent talking about what Christian women are wearing, and if it is yoga pants.

Therefore, much like Taylor Swift, I would like to offer a modest proposal: what if we combined Christian Nationalism and CRT?

Am I an expert in Christian Nationalism or Critical Race Theory? Of course I am. Do I understand what those two things are? No, not exactly, because that would be dangerous. When you learn about something, you become opinionated, and you know the old saying about opinions: “everyone has a butthole.” No, it is much better to be Magna Carta (“blank slate,” look it up in the Greek) when you are dealing with hot-button issues. This way, I can be totally objectionable.

So, what exactly would this solution look like? Well, a lot of Baptists think that CRT means white people are evil, so I guess we should keep the white people separate, in their own churches. And all the minorities can have their own churches, too. And all the other various colors have to sort themselves out into piles as well, like how a homeschooler eats Skittles. And then you mix in the Christian Nationalism, which means that Christians get to make all the rules. So, you’ve got white people in white churches trying to boss people around, and black people in black churches trying to boss people around. Then, just to be safe, we should put all the women in a separate church, where no one will see them and be like, “mmm, that Christian has bosoms.” Also, babies should have their own churches. I left old people out of this because they already have their own churches; they are called Methodists.

Then, we can make apps and tell people to stay home because they can be their own church. Every believer will be a church of one, and every believer will try to be in charge of everything. And whenever another Christian says something you disagree with, you can just say “this is toxic” and excommunicate them from your church of one.

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I can hear it now. Specifically, the reactions of imaginary people whom I need to introduce my next point in the essay: Matthew, this is too radical! It would never work! Matthew, surely you can’t shift the paradigm any further!

My friends, I have only begun to shift: this is where we also add AI. I will say this again, because it makes it seem profound, and also increases the word count:

After we combine Christian Nationalism and CRT, we put some AI in there, too.

AI has something to do with computers. It is for thought leaders like myself, who can no longer trust our ghostwriters to steal from existing books without being caught. Whenever I want to release another book, I can no longer just tell my team to go find something that Alan Noble already wrote and change the words around. No, now I tell them to go on the computer and do AI instead. I don’t know exactly how it works; all I know is that one day I will come back from a speaking tour, and my new book will be done.

When we add more AI to the Church, we are also building in more excuses for when the Restoration Committee tries to attack me with facts. For instants, I am always getting asked things like “are you looking up pictures of Christian women in yoga pants again?” Well, it depends. If it was on the computer, it might not have been me, because the computer is where the AI is. Then the Committee is always asking to see my phone or whatever, but I am tired of that Discourse as well.

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