What Should Christians Worry About Next?

Folks, the election is over. Or is it? I am asking, I have no idea, I am too busy working on my opinions to pay attention to what is happening. Make no mistake: if I take even one moment away from artisanally crafting my next searing hot take, I might lose my place in the evangelical queue and be passed over by a hack influencer like Alan Noble or David French.

But I regress. My team informs me that the red guy has defeated the blue lady, and this is because the farmers are on the red team and the celebrities are on the blue team, and America has more farmers than celebrities¹, that’s just basic math, which is a kind of science, and I always trust the science that benefits me.

Many Christians now face a terrifying reality: there will not be another election until the next one. What, then, should we worry about?

Let’s go to the Greek: on the topic of worry, Jesus told the people to look at the birds, because birds don’t have barns, and then the one guy tore down his barns, but then he changed his mind and was like “I want bigger ones,” so he built even bigger barns, and then he died, because tearing down and building barns is a lot of work. Then everyone needed flowers to take to his funeral, so Jesus showed them some flowers in a field, and Solomon was there, except he was naked, because he didn’t even have time to put clothes on, he had too many wives, someone was always needing his privates, this is why they cut down all the grass in the field and threw it in the fire, because Solomon was probably doing sexes out there. Gross.

Anyway, there are plenty of things for Christians to worry about. In December, we will go back to worrying if enough believers send their children to public schools, and then in February, we will worry again about whether King David raped Bathsheba, and then when the weather warms up, we will worry about breasts again. But until then, here are some things:

Greeting Time

When I was a kid, the pastor would always say something like “let’s take a few moments to greet one another,” which didn’t make any sense, because there were only 113 people in the sanctuary, and we already told each other hello. But it was a thing.

At some point, most churches stopped doing this. But what if your church brought it back? How would you fill those 90 seconds? Look at your phone? Bend down and tie your shoes? What if someone wants to hug you?

See, you are already uncomfortable. Worry about this.

Deepfakes

Do Christian leaders dance to late 90s pop? Yes. But do these men and women record themselves dancing? Again, yes.

But you can’t always tell what is real. Is this actually Russell Moore, or a common AI tool? There is no way to know.

My friends, the hour is here when Allie Beth Basham can instantly make her enemies seem cooler by posting fake videos of them doing young person TikTok dances, like the Macarena and the Charleston. Worry about this.

The Restoration Committee

Probably the biggest injustice in the Church is when I am persecuted with accountability. This is what the restoration committee does: they try to frame me, using my own words, actions, texts, and financial records, add nausea. And these men do not even have brands! This is why they didn’t believe me when I tried to explain the Tulum thing, because how many influencer retreats have you been on, Tim, when you manage the Express Oil Change? Of course it was a ministry expense; my brand is the most important person in this whole church.

You might not be worrying about any of this, but I am.

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1. farmers are not allowed to be celebrities, except for Ann Voskamp, but she lives in the state of Canada, and there are special rules there