Where Do I Find a Christian Husband?

If you are a single Christian lady, finding a godly man is very easy; they are all around you at all times, because they are married to your friends. But finding a single godly man is very, very difficult. It’s like in the Bible when Judas found a field with a pearl of great price in it so he buried the pearl and then got 30 pieces of silver from the guy and bought the field but then when he kissed Jesus he got in trouble because he buried the pearl, because he should have put it in the bank or whatever, because interest. Anyway, Judas died because of hanging and then his guts came out, which makes me wonder what kinds of knots he was using.

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As an evangelical thought leader, Christian women are always asking me relationship questions:

Where did all the good 29 year old Christian men go?¹

This guy says he likes me, but why do I have to do all the work?²

Why does my boyfriend spend all night running around with his friends, and then refuse to talk to me, and why does he chase small animals and roll around in piles of scat?³

But the one question I get asked the most is very simple: where do I go to find a Christian man?

Easy. I’ll tell you:

Newsboys

Did you know that over 100% of the members of the Newsboys have been Christian men?⁴ Ladies, if you simply join the Newsboys, the odds are in your favor! At present, there have been over five thousand total members of the Newsboys, including former members of DC Talk, VOTA, MxPx, Audio Adrenaline, 4Him, Big Daddy Weave, Regular Daddy Weave, and Phillips, Craig, Daddy Weave, & Dean. Eventually all Christian bands will be Newsboys. All hymns are Newsboys. Church is made of Newsboys. Melchizedek was Newsboy.

The quaint bed and breakfast that he owns and operates as a widower father of two adorable young children, who he spends his days caring for, ever since his wife tragically passed away an appropriate amount of time ago, also there is a stray cat he takes care of, because SYMBOLISM, anyway he wears a lot of sweaters and you can see in his implausibly dimpled face that he wrestles with a simple question: can he trust his heart to love again?

One of the kids is named after his dead wife

The men’s restroom

Out of all the rooms where boys go to pull out their private parts, the men’s room is probably in the top five. And, spoiler alert—there are almost never any single Christian ladies in there! So, simply walk in there and, you know, just like strike up a conversation or whatever. And don’t worry if you see any wieners: my youth pastor said that girls aren’t visual, only boys are. So if you see a big ol’ wiener, it won’t make you stumble, you will only stumble if someone tells you a story about a relationship with a big ol’ wiener.

But wait. Let me play devil’s aggregate: what if you go in there and accidentally fall in love with a man who is not a Christian? You cannot marry an unbeliever; on your honeymoon you will be unequally poked, and this is against Scriptures, which are in the Bible.

Solution: you must only go into church restrooms to look for men.

Over there

Did you look over there, behind that tree? No, not that one. No, look at me, I’m pointing at it. The big tree. Yeah, I know you can’t see him; he saw you looking and he’s hiding now. Walk over there. He’s behind the tree. No, don’t go right up to him—he’ll run away. He was homeschooled and he’s very shy. Listen to me very carefully: sit down next to the tree and start talking in a soft voice about Narnia. He’ll come over eventually and talk to you. No, he’s not scared of you; he’s scared of your breasts.

Probably talking to Heather

She’s doing it again. Really, Heather? Every guy in this youth group has a crush on her, and now she’s flirting with the new guy, too? Just standing there with her Teen Study Bible, twirling her perfect blonde hair, just “being friendly.” Sure, Heather. Like when she “forgot” her white cami at the SoulSplosion GeneratioNow TeenFire Conference and Jenni almost broke up with Kevin because he kept staring at her. Just being friendly. Uh huh.

You have to show her. Walk right up and interrupt her and ask the new guy what his name is. And when he says it’s Caleb or whatever, say oh, I thought it was Judas, because you look well hung to me.

1. They’re dating 21 year olds

2. Because he wants another mommy

3. Your boyfriend is a coyote

4. at the time. settle down, George