Whose Fault is it When I Lust?

Out of all the sex sins, the most devastating one is lust, because it counts as a sin, but no one is touching your privates.

Let’s set the lies of demarcation and define what “lust” is: a lust is whenever you want to do a sex with someone, but you are not allowed to. This makes you do a mind sex, which is not your fault, but is definitely someone’s fault.

Back in the old days, before we knew better, whenever a Christian man did a lust, we would simply blame the woman. And we will continue to do that, but we must also look for additional people to blame; this is called egalitarianism.

What does the Scripture say? Let’s go to the Greek:

Jesus said “if your eye offends you, gouge it out,” but this was ableist, because right before that, He had said “if your hand offends you, cut it off,” and you can’t gouge if you don’t have a hand, but ableism hadn’t been invented yet, so it didn’t count as a sin. I don’t know what any of that has to do with lust, but it was on the outline that my team pre-wrote for me. Anyway, the Bible has other stories about lust, such as when David accidentally saw a naked lady, accidentally got her pregnant, and then accidentally had her husband killed. Another story is when Potiphar’s wife got a ladyboner for Joseph, but that one doesn’t count because my youth pastor says that girls give lust to get love, this is why Eve was deceived, because she was a pot that simmered slowly, and Adam was a microwave.

Anyway, here are some ideas of who to blame:

Your Spouse

It’s like I’m always telling the couples who come to me for life coaching¹: if you knew how to be happy by yourself, you wouldn’t have gotten married. It is always your spouse’s job to keep you happy, and this includes whenever you feel tempted by horny.

Ideally, whenever you are about to lust, you should signal your spouse, perhaps with a special whistle, and they will immediately tear off their clothes and race to you, to sex. Using this simple method, you can stay free of lust. Sadly, many Christian couples do not love each other enough to follow each other around and use sex whistles. This is a classic case of biting the hand that feels you. How sad.

Purity Culture

Whenever religion reporters contact me with new allegations, I simply remind them that I was homeschooled in the 90s, and it is purity culture’s fault. But then Kate or Bob are always like “what does Josh Harris have to do with you forcing everyone in your ministry to sign NDAs?” But here’s the thing about purity culture: it is toxic, and so is that line of questioning, Kate.

Trump

Folks, just blame whoever is in charge. It doesn’t really matter if the president is a Republican or a Democrat: if you get caught doing a sin, blame the president, and there will be a 50% chance² that whoever caught you will be like “ah, figures, I hate that guy.” It may seem like a long shot, but even a blind squirrel nuts sometimes.

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To the Women

Finally, a word of encouragement to our sisters in Christ. For too long, you have been burdened with the weight of lust. Held captive by the weakness of your brothers, and held responsible for their sins. However, today is a new age of the Church, where we can stand boldly, side by side, as brother and sister. You are not temptations; we clearly affirm you as fellow image-bearers (imago Day), worthy of grace and support.

My sisters: you are not sinful. It is your bodies, your bodies are incredibly sinful. Especially the lady parts, it doesn’t matter how much you wrap them up, the sheer carnal evil radiating from your bosoms corrupts every man, woman, child, and animal of the fields for miles. As the women save the children and the animals rampage, your brothers in Christ stand helpless, thousands of mind sexes flashing across our brains. We place our sex whistles in our mouths and call for help, but it is too late. Sulfurous clouds rise around us as the earth splits and the flames of hell shoot forth and consume us whole. The same thing happened to Adam, who was also a microwave.

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1. I am not allowed to call it “counseling” until the thing with the lawyers is resolved

2. 50% is nearly half