Your dead pet is already in heaven, and he is not being a good boy

Probably the most important theological question that people have is if I don’t come in, does it still count as a sin? The second question is very similar: will my pet go to heaven when he dies?

For the second question, let’s go to the Greek. One thing that God is always saying in the various verses and whatnot is I AM, which is Greek for I’m. And then there is that other verse that has something to do with yesterday and today, alpha and omerta. The point is this: God is not bound by time, so we can pray for things in the future and it might change our present, this is why in youth group we had to do intercessory prayers for our future spouses at the Purity Engaged conference but I just prayed that God would make my future wife hot, then I had to pray repentance prayers for my future prayers because I ended up thinking about my future wife naked, which was a sin back then, in the present, I think.

Anyway, I forgot where I was going with all of that. Your deceased dog is already in heaven, and I regret to inform you that he is not being a good boy.

He is acting hungry but he already ate his food, mister

He is going around to the big, big table with lots and lots of food and he is whining and begging for someone to give him a handout¹. He needs to stop that—he already had his dinner, just wolfed it down like he had never seen food before. Now listen here, mister: stop begging and go run around with the other dogs

He is growling at the angels like a grouchy boy

Whenever an angel passes by, he is growling and trying to act tough. He knows better than to act that way; that angel comes by here every day. He thinks he owns the entire New Jerusalem

Did he chew that up? Yes he did

He is sitting in the middle of a debris field of heavenly pillow stuffing. The gutted pillow case is lying by his feet. Did he chew up that pillow? He cocks his head. What pillow? Did you chew that up? Who, me? I’m a good boy!

No, he is a bad boy, and reader, when you get up here, you need to talk to him

He is sniffing and humping at the Rainbow Bridge

My mom says that after Noah saw the rainbow back in Genesis, God used the rainbow as a bridge so that all the animals who died could cross over into heaven, just as long as someone on earth loved them. (You can’t just let all the animals in, there would be too many spiders and snakes. Gross.) Anyway, your dog is always hanging out at the bridge, just waiting to see who crosses over. And there has been some inappropriate behavior. Nobody’s saying it’s a full-fledged red lipstick situation, but it wouldn’t hurt to send him to the Purity Engaged conference, either.

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1. some new guy keeps giving him broccoli