2023 Summer Swimsuit Guide for Christian Women
Probably the one thing that Christian women like is when Christian men tell them what to wear. This is because Christian men are visual, because we have eyes. Anyway, this is why I am always going up to women at church and telling them “good job, your outfit does not make me want to, you know,” and I make a little hand motion that looks like this, where the one finger is the boy private and the other fingers are the girl private. This is called being respectful to women, because I don’t say “sex.”
One year ago, Casey and I wrote a swimsuit guide for Christian women. It was very popular. And one of the first things you learn as an evangelical thought leader is that when you stumble upon something that is popular, you beat it into the ground until it is no longer popular.
With that in mind, ladies, here is your 2023 guide to summer swimwear:
Wedding Dress
Christian women: what’s the number one problem with going to the beach in a conventional bathing suit? Yep, strange men coming up to you and wanting to get married. Here’s a quick fix: simply slip on your wedding dress1 and use it as an elegant swimsuit! All of the nearby men will be like “oh, she is already married, she no longer counts as a person,” and you will be free to swim in peace!
(If you are a single Christian lady, keep reading)
Turtleneck
In the mood for something a little more daring? A turtleneck2, when paired with jeans and some sensible white Keds, creates a sleek ensemble for any pool party.
But wait, some might say. This is ridiculous. Won’t that turtleneck become form fitting and clingy once you jump into the water? Don’t worry; a white cami, when worn underneath the turtleneck, can provide another layer of modesty, in addition to your sports bra and other undershirt.
Small child’s swimsuit
Here’s a pro tip: bathing suits for small children are often more modest in their style than adult size suits! If you are worried about the plunging necklines and skimpy bottoms in the adult swimsuit section, simply purchase any toddler-sized girls’ swimsuit and wear it, instead!
Toilet Paper
Uh oh! You didn’t realize that the lake picnic would be a mixed party, and all you brought was your immodest one-piece. Time for a little DIY modesty magic! Most people do not realize that common 1-ply toilet paper can quickly be fashioned into a sturdy bathing suit: simply wrap the toilet paper up and down your naked body 1 to 2 times and hide the loose ends by folding them under the wrap. Presto! Now you can dive into the water with confidence, knowing that you didn’t have to choose between style or modesty—you got both!
Your Hands
Tired of fabric sliding around as you move, creating stumbling blocks for your nearby brothers?
Modesty hack: your hands know what needs to stay covered! Ditch the dangerous fabric and be intentional about your purity by holding your hands over your private parts at all times. Of course, women often have more private parts than they do hands, so you may need to enlist your husband or a nearby stranger to help.
My youth pastor showed me a video one time about how God made our hands specifically to hold bananas. Melons are a fruit, too, so this seems biblical.
BarlowGirl
As a husband, I must confess: nothing excites me more than seeing my wife hit the beach standing inside a circle of female CCM group members.
Confused about how this works? Don’t be! Simply arrange a late 00s or early 2010s CCM group3 into a circle with their arms locked together (for purity), and slip into the middle of the circle. No one will see anything but your face, so you can wear whatever you like: a full outfit and parka, or nothing at all!
On our 10th anniversary trip, my wife surprised me by wearing Out of Eden to the beach. It was an amazing time, except that the lifeguards were yelling at us because she shuffled into the water with all the Out of Eden ladies around her and I guess she almost drowned or whatever, when the lifeguards pulled her out they were like why were you trying to swim like that, and also why are you wearing a parka, but I’ve come to believe that some people just aren’t respectful to women.
*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. It’s either this or write about politics, I guess :/
nothing says “I am not prepared for sex” like a wedding dress —Casey
you know what animal never has to worry about cleavage? Turtles. Makes you think
only wear ZOEgirl around your fellow sisters; they are a little too risqué for mixed company
Oh, so that's what Lampshades on Fire is all about! Been listening to that gal CCM band Modest Church Mouse and never put two & two together.
You missed one situation that you need to address with your next addition: is there a baptism? We know what the early church fathers taught for everyone involved in the baptism. Of course, if she's just using her hands as a suit already, she's pretty much there and just needs to move them/have them moved.
Also, I think you've overlooked how married women have it a lot easier. They belong to their husbands and their body is technically the same as his body. So, technically, if he's wearing a suit, he's got her covered and she doesn't need to bother with anything more than that.
For an unmarried woman, it might at first seem unfair. But, not to worry. She belongs to her father, so her father wearing a swimsuit has her technically covered, too. If she doesn't have a father, her church elders can suffice (and they'll be "dressed" for the baptism, anyway).