2024 Summer Swimsuit Guide for Christian Women
Ladies, the weather is getting warmer, which means it’s time to once again feel guilty about your body. But do not fret! This year marks our third annual swimwear guide for Christian women. For reference:
Below you will find wholesome, stylish suggestions for swimwear that honors your brothers in Christ. If a swimsuit is not on this list, it’s probably sinful.
JNCO Jeans
Looking for something that hides the contours of your body, but also offers you comfort and freedom of movement? Slip on a pair of JNCO jeans and swim in confidence! These lightweight jeans will absorb no more than 20-30lb of water, which is the weight of your average newborn baby, or maybe less, I don’t know, I was homeschooled.
Force Field
Probably the best way to achieve total modesty is to activate a large force field around your body. In my day, this was done by placing a copy of I Kissed Dating Goodbye next to your Bible and holding them both to your chest as you walked from the Student Ministry Annex to the parking lot. I don’t know how Christian women generate force fields now; I guess maybe it involves energy or electricity or maybe by aging naturally.1
Traffic Cones
Do you find yourself wanting the style of a bikini, but you are nervous about modesty? Many Christian women still don’t know about this fashion hack: a common traffic cone will slide easily over your bare breast! Simply craft two cones into a bikini top, using rope or a heavy chain. You won’t ever have to worry about exposed cleavage. As an added bonus, the cones form a protective barrier of several feet, keeping any potential front huggers away! It’s kind of like those spike strips that they put in rafters, to keep pigeons from nesting, so that’s a fun thing.
Clear Plastic Wrap
Aren’t you tired of swimsuit fabric bunching, sagging, and becoming more transparent, the moment it becomes wet? Yikes! Let’s go to a different material, and bypass these embarrassing modesty missteps. Simple kitchen plastic wrap, when wrapped around your body 1-2 times, can provide a sturdy, waterproof alternative to fabric-based swimsuits.
Steven Curtis Chapman’s Outfit from the 1993 Dove Awards
Some swimwear looks are timeless! Black slacks, a white shirt buttoned all the way up, and a checkerboard vest—it doesn’t get much better than this. Are your kids out of the pool? Give your husband a treat by unbuttoning that top button. Give His Eyes some Heaven in the Real World; he’ll be saddling up his horses to Go There with You.2
Paint
Are you tired of that plunging neckline ruining a good one-piece bathing suit? Are those skimpy bottoms making you think twice about your favorite tankini? Take control of your summer by simply painting a swimsuit onto your body! Instead of a male designer’s lecherous vision of style, now YOU are the designer. You get to decide where the suit ends, and where you begin! Simply dab some children’s finger paint on your hands and smear it on yourself to create a one-of-a-kind bathing suit. And because you don’t want to get paint all over your car, you will probably need to do this right on the beach or at the pool. And if there is a spot on your body that you can’t reach, just ask a kind stranger to help you.
My wife did this at the Women’s Ministry pool party, and she asked the pastor’s wife to help her rub paint on her back. I guess the pastor’s wife got real offended, but you know how pastor’s wives are. And now our church is no longer allowed to rent out the city pool, but it’s probably for the best, because some of the swimsuits that you see up there are pretty slutty.
*Weekly-ish articles are free; periodic special articles are behind the paywall. If you are a paid subscriber, even for a short while, thank you for making this whole thing work. To everyone, thank you for reading and sharing. Please understand that all offensive content is the fault of pigeons.
Casey Haas wrote this joke for me, direct all complaints to her, at middlecasey on Twitter
Remember Your Chains, if you’re into that sort of thing
With no. 6, clearly the lesson here about the pastor's wife being offended is that your wife's back doesn't need to be covered. That's why there's those women's one-pieces without a back! What's an open question is how far down does that open back need to go? Maybe not bother with the back half of the body at all, just to be safe.
really helpful guide. Thanks so much. I'm gonna go the plastic wrap route as I think this will also help me lose weight.